Fck Off Romanov
by theyneverhaveanextractionplan
Summary: All the times Clint's enjoyed Natasha's displeasure come back to bite him in the ass. RATED M FOR LANGUAGE AND SEXUAL CONTENT Part of The Official Strike Team Delta Log of F***ed Up Missions Series.
1. Chapter 1

**F*ck Off Romanov**

**_theyneverhaveanextractionplan_**

The inspiration for this story came from rubycaspar's story The Jealous Type, the line "You're not the first man I've seduced" inspired me to write this. All the times Clint's enjoyed Natasha's displeasure come back to bite him in the ass.

Author's Note: I thought that it would be nice to write a fic where Natasha doesn't hate her seduction missions, just gets irritated and Clintasha fluff occurs, borderline Crack!fic.

RATED M FOR LANGUAGE AND SEXUAL CONTENT

Disclaimer: The line this story was inspired by isn't mine, and the characters aren't either.

Chapter 1:

Clint was thoroughly enjoying himself. An irritated Natasha Romanov had stormed into his apartment earlier that afternoon and thrown herself at him. Irritated sex, especially with Natasha was the best, most people thought angry Natasha was terrifying but to Clint it was all the more sexy. Her mission with the German mobster, Dominik Lexikon had been a success (not surprising… it was Nat), but she hadn't come out of it unscathed. While seducing, or _gathering intel_, he had gotten a bit excited and planted a kiss on her. Not just a kiss, more like a slobber. According to Nat it was like kissing a walrus, laughing at that statement had gotten Clint an elbow to the ribs.

"I swear Barton, and he thought he was being smooth in his fucking terrible English, and suit that was too tight. I don't even know how he got his stomach into the suit in the first place, like damn-" Natasha stopped when Clint was laughing so hard he was crying.

"Did he try and get his _schnitzel _in you?" Clint barked out through his fit of laughter. Dodging Natasha's punch. She lunged at him and he only laughed harder. She rolled her eyes, muttered something in Russian, and then began to walk away. Clint grabbed her wrist and tugged her to his chest. "I'm sorry Nat, I couldn't resist," she smiled and kissed him. As they were about to sit down, their phones beeped in sync.

**_Coulson, Phil:_**

_URGENT. Debrief Room 7F, in 10. TOP SECRET. And guys… it's one of _those _missions._

"Fuck. Again?" Natasha groaned. Those missions meant seduction of some sort, and Natasha had just done that. Clint bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing, and followed the red head out the door.

"7F? That's weird."

"We are clearance level 8's. The highest level under Fury. Why is that weird, Clint?" she asked as they slid into the elevator stealthily.

"No, it's just that on every floor there are 5 debrief rooms. A through E, so why did Phil tell us 7F? Unless…" Clint's eyes widened.

"Wait you mean…?" Natasha gasped.

"When Thor's hammer was in New Mexico, the debriefing was in Fury's office but the text said room 8F. So it has to be something crazy like that, right?" Natasha didn't have a chance to reply because the elevator doors had opened and there was Phil, waiting for them. His stoic expression giving nothing away. He nodded at the pair and motioned for them to follow him. Clint and Natasha exchanged a look, and Clint protectively stood a little bit closer to her. It wasn't that he didn't trust Phil, it was that this was all weird. They reached Fury's office and they entered after Phil. Inside was Fury at his desk, Hill behind him whispering something in his ear as she glanced at Clint and Natasha, Phil who took his place in front of the desk, two chairs and a mission file.

"Agent Romanov. Agent Barton."

"Sirs." They said in sync.

"Take a seat, you're gonna want one," Fury said cryptically. Clint and Natasha sat slowly, glancing around suspiciously. Fury slid the file over to them.

_CONFIDENTIAL_

_SHIELD, CLEARANCE LEVEL 8_

_Mark: Aleksander 'Sasha' Brazhniakova_

_Crimes:_

International trafficker; drugs, humans

Smuggling; diamonds, drugs

Involvement with the Triads

**Number 1 on Interpol's watch list**

_Mission:_

Rumor has it the Triads and the Ukrainian Mafia have been designing a new type of bomb, that can destroy a city in 7 seconds and a country in 2 minutes. Gather intel on the Ukrainian Mafia's involvement with the Triads. All of the necessary information is with Brazhniakova at all times, in a flash drive. This information will allow SHIELD to trap both the Triads and the Ukrainian Mafia, and take out both dangerous groups. **NO EXTRACTION PLAN.**

Intel on Brazhniakova:

Submissive

Homosexual

Bondage Kink

"So Sasha's gay huh?" Clint waggled his eyebrows at Natasha, "Girl on girl action, lucky you Tash."

"Actually Clint, Sasha is short for Aleksander, a man. So it will be you doing the seduction this time." Clint's jaw dropped and Natasha jumped up.

"Are you serious Phil!?" she all but shouted.

"Yes, when am I not Agent Romanov?" Phil asked.

"You have to seduce someone! And a guy too, ready to get a taste of my life, Barton?" Natasha teased, eyes sparkling with glee.

"Sirs," Clint began, "You can't be-"

"Agent Barton you have twelve hours before you will flown out to Ukraine. Take the file, memorize it. Get some tips on male seduction from your partner, and prep your weapons. Dismissed." Clint stomped out with a huff, acting like a two year old. While Natasha skipped out of the office ready to make Clint pay for all the times he made fun of her.

"So, Clint-"

"Fuck off Romanov," Clint whined and ran off into his room with a laughing Romanov behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Only the story is mine, the characters are not.

Chapter 2:

Clint's eyes narrowed when he stepped off of the chopper, he scanned the vicinity for any hostiles before waving at Natasha to step out of the helicopter. No, Natasha Romanov didn't need protection but with Clint she didn't mind. Honestly, she thought it was cute. She daintily exited the helicopter, using Phil's hand for support. She had already embraced her role of Barton's 'wingwoman', Kelly. Her job was to hit on Sasha, get shot down, and then let Clint seduce him. Once the seduction had started she was to help Clint take the flash drive and cover him when they escaped. Simple enough, if their roles were switched. Barton was being a sour puss about the mission, and hadn't even begun to act his part. Clint was to be Brady, a tough guy who doesn't look gay, but is. They walked into the hotel separately, Natasha first. Clint had to look away for a moment, because the way she was swinging her hips tightened his pants in a way it shouldn't have, to someone gay at least.

Natasha strode up to the bar and settled down next to Aleksander, who was clad in a navy blue pinstriped suit and black fedora (I know that seems extremely Italian, but I couldn't help myself :p).

"What sort of wine do you have?" Kelly asks the bartender, Natasha would never order wine, vodka was more her thing. Clint snorted into his earpiece when he heard her question, he was ignored by Natasha and got a stern _Clint _from Phil. The bartender presented Natasha with many varieties of wine, and she pretends to be confused. "I don't know… Maybe the Cabernet? Or the Shiraz? There's too many choices." Kelly giggles.

"She'll have a glass of your finest Merlot." Sasha says in a very accented English, smiling slightly when she looks at him startled. "Trust me honey, they get their wine imported here and it is _divine_." Natasha blinks, and Kelly doesn't notice that he's gay, so very gay. She leans in closer to him, brushing her arms against his pockets to find the flash drive. To their dismay, it's not anywhere Natasha can feel. She shakes her head subtly to signal that she can't feel it. She takes a sip of the wine that the bartender brought, and Kelly does the signature Rachel Ray face.

"Oh wow… that is-"

"Exquisite? Divine?" he pauses, "Impeccable? Baby, I know. I almost _died _the first time I tasted it." Kelly leans closer, to Natasha's despair. After about 15 minutes of flirting, Natasha decided to cut the shit. Kelly goes in for a kiss and then the plan goes back into motion.

"Oh. Uh-" Sasha begins.

"OH GOD. Have I crossed a line? I am _so _sorry. It's just that you're so handsome, and smart, and funny…" Kelly tries to kiss him again.

"I'm gay sweetheart. It's not you-"

"IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME? IS THAT IT? HOW COULD YOU LEAD ME ON LIKE THAT!?" Natasha starts to make a scene, giving Clint his window to jump in.

"Is everything alright here?" Brady asks.

"NO! THIS ASSHOLE HAS BEEN LEADING ME ON. AND NOW I FIND OUT HE'S GAY AND I HAVE _COMPLETELY _HUMILIATED MYSELF." Natasha storms off, whispering Merlot in Clint's ear. Brady sighs and plops down in the barstool next to Sasha.

"Women." Sasha says.

"I wouldn't know." Clint says huskily, to Sasha's surprise.

"You're..."

"Yes sir, you've got me." Clint whispered the second part, remembering Natasha's signs for seducing men (I totally just made this up, I have no actual experience with men, given that I stay indoors and write fanfiction my whole life).

**Natasha Romanov's Tips for Male Seduction**

Speak in low tones; whispering in their ears or speak huskily

They will begin to fidget, adjust their ties or collars, when they begin to get 'hot'

Shallower breaths mean the 'tightening of pants'

When the blazer comes off, your hand goes in

Always take the elevator, builds up their desire

"Is this merlot?" Clint lifts Natasha's glass, smirking at the lipstick stain it was his favorite of hers (encouragement is what she had called it), "I hear it's _divine _here." Clint almost laughs at how stupid it sounds, the only thing muffling it was his sip of the wine.

Gradually throughout the night Sasha's interest in Brady became immensely clear, via the mountain in his pants. Sasha excused himself to go to the bathroom, and Clint furiously whispered into his earpiece. "Natasha, the flash drive isn't anywhere I can feel on him, I might have to get him to strip." Natasha laughed at how devastated Clint sounded.

"Ok, I'll help."

"How?"

"I'll turn you on."

"Don't you always, Nat?" Clint ordered some scotch and rolled his eyes at his partner.

"No dumbass, I mean I'll talk to you in the earpiece and turn you on while you're with Sasha."

"Thank fucking God. I don't actually have to get a boner from that blob." Clint sighed, sipping his scotch. He shut up when Sasha sat down.

"So Brady, I have a room upstairs, if it's not too forward…" Sasha asked nervously.

"Yeah. Lead the way handsome." Clint said huskily. "Help me Nat," he whispered as they walked into the elevator.

"Guess where my hand is Clint?" Natasha whispered. "I've been a naughty girl." (HAHAHA sorry I couldn't resist guys)

"Erm… I'm still on headset guys." Phil coughed awkwardly causing Natasha to giggle and Clint's pants to tighten just a bit more.

When the elevator closed Clint steeled himself, then remembered that there was one last place he had to check. The crotch. That's the only place the flash drive could be, so he closed his eyes, prayed to a deity he didn't believe in, and went in for it. He gently cupped Sasha's balls the way Nat had taught him to, and when he felt something metallic and rectangular, the elevator doors opened and people walked in. He jerked his hand back and uncomfortably waited for them to reach Sasha's floor. The only sound was Sasha's heavy breathing and the elevator music. The elevator began to slow, and stop. "Fuck." Was all Clint managed to mumble before there was a hand on his ass.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Only the story is mine.

Chapter 3:

"Phil, Clint might need help." Natasha said worriedly into her earpiece while sipping a glass of wine, in the bar that Sasha and Clint had recently left.

"He couldn't find the flash drive, once he gets Brazhniakova sated he can search the room, and the mark more efficiently." Natasha choked on her drink.

"Sated? You want Clint to… _please _Sasha?" she managed to cough out.

"Why else would he have gone in with a pair of fuzzy, leopard print handcuffs?"

"He's gonna kill us all. Well not me… he has to sleep with Sasha, for a 16 GB? Like, that's it?" Natasha asks struggling not to burst out into a fit of hysterics.

"Agent Romanov, you sleep with people whenever a mission requires, why complain now? And it's not a 16 GB." Apparently while Natasha was trying to hold back her laughter, Phil took it as her defending her partner.

"I'm not complaining sir, I find this almost as hilarious as you do. And is it 24 GB then? That's worth it, I guess… must have a lot of Intel." Phil shook his head, most thought he never laughed, when it was actually the opposite. Nobody knew him like Clint and Natasha did though.

"Actually Nat… Erm… It's an 8 GB…" And that's what did it, for the first time in her life Natasha wasn't able to hold her laughter back, and she even got Agent Phil Coulson doubled over as well.

_ This intel better be some motherfucking world saving bullshit_, Clint thought as Sasha fumbled with the door to his room. Brady kissed up and down Sasha's neck, squeezing his balls to find the flash drive, while he attempted to stick the key into the door. Clint did this to stall time and give Natasha time to get into position. Once they were through the door, Clint whispered "Cumquat" (HAHAHA sorry… again… but it was too funny not to put in) the word that meant _Hey Nat, get in position because I am not going to fuck this ding dong if I don't absolutely have to. _

Sasha turned to Brady, walked to strides forward until he was literally two centimeters from Clint's face. Clint twitched uncomfortably, Sasha was submissive, which meant that Brady had to initiate it. Let it never be said that Clint Barton was not a top SHIELD agent, who wouldn't do what he had to. He did it, he took a deep breath and kissed him. Clint Barton kissed a man. And guess what? He fucking hated it.

* * *

**SO SORRY FOR THE DELAY AND THE BRIEF CHAPTER. WILL GET BETTER AND LONGER, I PROMISE. JUST HAVE A BIT OF AN ISSUE WITH THE PORNY BITS TO COME. IF YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE, ITS WELCOME. :)**


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